I moved to Darren’s home town of Billings, Montana on December 28, 1987. It was here that I finished my Bachelors degree. I married Darren September 3, of 1988. Life was good. We had a strong relationship. We both loved the Lord and were determined to serve Him to the best of our ability.
On October 6, 1989 I ended up in emergency surgery with a ruptured tubal pregnancy. It was a little bit of a jar to my faith, but I recovered quickly both spiritually and physically. On October 6, 1990, I gave birth to my first born, Joshua. When Joshua was only three weeks old he was diagnosed with Bronchiollitis and anti-biotics were prescribed. A few weeks later he was diagnosed with an ear infection. He was prescribed anti-biotics. Again, a few weeks later the ear infection was back. I gave him the prescribed antibiotics again. This cycle went on for two years. At this point the doctor felt it necessary to put tubes in his ears. So we did. As soon as the tubes fell out and his ear canal healed the ear infections returned thus the use of anti-biotics. By the time Joshua was three years old, he was no longer able to tolerate the anti-biotics. The poor boy was experiencing such wretched stomach pain that I slept with him in order to comfort him through the night. This went on for five weeks until my mom suggested that I give him yogurt. I had no understanding of the necessity of good bacteria in the intestines but thanks to my mom I started him on yogurt and finally, the pain disappeared. At this point however, I was at a complete loss as to what to do about his ear infections. I was beside myself. Antibiotics weren’t fixing the problem and they were creating problems of their own. On top of these health issues Darren and I desperately wanted another child but it just wasn’t happening. I was in turmoil again.
The church where Darren and I served was considered Charismatic, but the Word of Faith Doctrines were not taught over the pulpit. There was, on the other hand, a lady in the church named “Mary”, who befriended me and reawakened the Faith movement teachings within me. She was sympathetic towards me concerning Joshua's health concerns. Because of Mary’s zeal, confidence and sincerity, I entertained her instruction. I started in some small areas, still unsure about her urgings. I did work to stir up my faith. This seemed harmless enough. I also started working by trying not to confess anything negative concerning my son or my family. What harm could there be in this? I am certain that every conversation we had about healing, curses, positive confession and the like were done completely on her part out of love and concern for me. She could see that I was confused and questioning some things. She ministered to me in the only way she knew how. However, sincerity and love are not replacements for truth. I was, again, considering the dogmas that I had thought were long departed. I was filled with confusion, fear, and guilt. Somehow, because of past influences there was something deep inside of me telling me that I was at fault for my son’s illness. Her persuasions did drive me further into studying the Word of God. I had to find better answers.
Because of this new relationship, Joshua’s issues and my own health issues, I started obsessing about health and healing in the Bible. I wanted to believe that Mary was right. I spent hours studying the Bible trying to find the answers I wanted to see. I studied the Bible but I was getting more confused. I didn’t understand how the Bible could be so seemingly ambiguous on such a prominent issue. By the time Joshua was four years old (1994) I felt forced to admit that God’s will for us as Christians was to be healthy though I had yet to find firm scriptural basis for this. I wasn’t completely sold on this belief but neither could I find any solid evidence to the contrary. The conclusion I had temporarily drawn was this: If we weren’t healthy it was our own fault somehow because we simply did not have enough faith. I wasn’t particularly vocal about this belief, but on occasion it would slip out. I recall one example of just such a slip.
One evening, at a home fellowship meeting, a couple asked for prayer because the husband had recently been diagnosed with cancer. They were very distraught and frightened. After we had prayed for them, the man’s wife and I got into a discussion about healing. We both agreed that it was the right thing to do to pray for healing. I couldn’t leave it at that. I continued on by saying that if we don’t receive the healing it’s our own problem. Needless to say she was stupefied and hurt. Not catching the hint I blundered on. I stated that it couldn’t possibly be either God’s will or His fault. If it wasn’t God’s fault then it must be our fault and our problem. Justifiably, she and her husband left in a hurry. I hadn't meant to hurt their feelings, but that was the outcome. My only motive was to help in some way. Perhaps I had been searching for someone to confront and correct me.
From time to time, Darren and I would talk about my confusion concerning health and healing however, I was careful to mask the depth of my fixation to him. Since it appeared to him that my concerns were minor, he concluded that it was better to let the Holy Spirit work it out in me. This way, the conclusions I would draw would be permanent and not derived from wishy-washy human intellect. He listened and gently commented but not enough to change my course. I wish that I would have been honest with him and asked for help. My struggles may have ended much sooner.
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