Good Stuff: chapter 7

In 1996 Darren started a job that required him to work weekends.  His days off were in the middle of the week.   This worked out fine for the family because Joshua had net yet started school.  His schedule, on the other hand, made church life rather difficult.   He was no longer able to go to Sunday morning service at our church because of the late hour in which it began.  Wednesday night home fellowships were his solitary means of fellowship and corporate study of the Word. Even though home fellowship was awesome, it was not enough and he felt as if he was starving.  Due to this, he searched out a church with an earlier service time on Sundays.  What he found very much enriched both of our walks with the Lord.

            

 He had heard of a new church that had been started nearby our home and he went diligently for several weeks.  I continued going to our home church and paying our tithe there.  When Darren came home with reports on the amazing teaching, I found myself becoming dissatisfied with the teaching at our own church of many years.  After awhile all the messages seemed to sound the same.    In addition to this, my relationship with Mary had slowly ebbed away.  I had grown weary of the searching.  I was past the questions and was ignorantly well on my way to dealing with the consequences of my wrong thinking.  For reasons completely outside of this church, I needed something to heal my mind. 

             

After weeks of prayer and talking it over, Darren and I decided to leave the church that Darren had called home for thirteen years and that I had called home for eight years.  We made the move and after a few months of listening to our new pastor teach through the scriptures book by book, chapter by chapter and verse by verse I began to realize that there was a hunger in me that I had either ignored or had just become numb to.  It felt good to have it slowly satiated.   Wayne, the pastor, taught us how to divide the scriptures correctly.  For the first time in my life, I began studying the Word properly so that I could discover for myself what it was saying.  I allowed the scriptures to speak for themselves rather than trying to crowbar my own agenda into them. Now I was truly searching the scriptures.  These studies left me breathless and full of tears in awe of God.  I saw how my thoughts and opinions paled in comparison to the depth of God’s wisdom.  I realized for the first time in my life how the Bible could speak for itself without personal bias tagging along.   The confusion and anxiety that I was experiencing began to drift away ever so slightly.  It was at this time that I finally began the slow process of rejecting the many lies I had been harboring. 

            

 Not only did the Lord bless us with this church, he also blessed us with another child, Alexis.  It had been seven years of desiring another child and the Lord heard my cry and gave me what I had asked of Him.  The pregnancy was smooth and uncomplicated.  Alexis was born healthy on the same day that Garth Brooks was singing in town and the same day that three tornadoes had touched down in Billings; the fourth of July, 1998.  It was quite a day.   Contrary to the day or the state of the weather, Alexis was a quiet and happy baby.

Faith, Fear and Control, Oh My!: chapter 6

Over the course of the next three to four years my false belief system began to emerge in not so nice ways. I had continued to obsessively search through scriptures concerning healing; which was producing a  profound confusion. I felt as though I was banging my head against the proverbial wall. I thought that I was yielding to the Lord by the fact that I was "searching" through the scriptures.  In reality, I was maintaining one mindset while acting as though I was open to what the Lord wanted to show me.  I was the epitome of being double minded (James 1:7-8).   I still had not recognized that my belief system was awry and because of my stubbornness almost everything else that flowed out of me was askew as well. I had read that book back in 1987 and talked with Darren but I had never acted upon those truths that the Lord had revealed to me.  I felt I could adjust my thinking to make things right, though the adjustment was done to soothe my conscience and not to please the Lord.

In order to understand what I went through next I need to explain some things about the Word of Faith movement.   I will use the analogy of a body. The head of this doctrine is a faulty definition of faith.  The heartbeat is control.   It is referred to as the Faith movement or Word of Faith movement because of its focus on faith.  Their definition of faith may appear to be similar to mainstream Christianity but in reality it is very different.  One of the very first phrases taught in course work at Word of Faith churches is this:  "Faith is a force".  According to them faith is a force outside of God that God utilized to create the world. The believer then needs to tap into this force, just as God did, in order to control the quality of life.  

            

 Here is a good example of how an indoctrinated person approaches faith:  Instead of directly trusting God through a God-ordained trial, the person places trust in the same faith that God utilizes and then claims God-like authority to remove the trial from his or her life. It is believed, then, that control over this trial is squarely placed in the believers lap.  All negative circumstances are contrived by the enemy and need to be stopped and reversed by the believer; nor should the believer speak about such incidents, but rather speak as if they were not happening.  This is an attempt to mimic God in His creative work.  God spoke all things into existence.  The Word of Faith doctrines teach that since we are created in the image of God we, too, have this power at our disposal.  A good example for this is when my friend Michelle tried to "speak" the plant back to health.  The believer, according to them, should use the tongue in such a manner to control health, finances, weather, and God.    If the believer is unable to produce a desired outcome than there is probably some sin or spirit in his life that is hindering his ability to utilize faith properly.  A lack of faith would be likened to someone with a maimed hand having trouble wielding a hammer.   If this is the case, the individual needs deliverance from this spirit or sin in their life that is creating the disability.   

             

Now for the heartbeat of the movement:  the faulty teaching that the Christian has control over their life. Last time I checked, humans were fallible and untrustworthy creatures. I don't know about you, but I do not want to be in control of my life.  I have met some heavy duty control freaks in my life and every single one of them is nearly paralyzed by anxiety.  From my own experience, I can tell you that the full fruition of this belief system is fear.  Although, one would never hear a disciple of the faith movement confess they are fearful.  I have found that fear is at the very core of what motivates them.  They are afraid of the negative things that happen in life and the pain associated with them: sickness, loss, death, financial struggles and the list goes on.  Who does relish these things?  Ironically, they believe that whatever is feared will come to pass. In other words, fear has the opposite power of faith.  Faith in faith produces "good" things.  Fear produces negatives things.  The result is a fear of fear.  Thus, fear is really like the connection from the head to the extremities.  If we were to present this movement as a body, this is what it would look like:  A head defining faith as a force.  A heart that beats, "I am in control".   And fear being the nervous system telling the legs and arms what to do. 

Unfortunately, because fear was something I struggled with long before my introduction to the Word of Faith movement, it was a perfect fit for me. Not only did I want to be in control of my life,  I  believed that it was a God given right in my life.  It was simply the next logical step for me to believe that complete surrender to God's sovereign plan for my life was not a visible option.  I feared many things in life and just could not relent to the fact that maybe God would or could use suffering in my life.   

Here I Go Again: chapter 5

After the project was over I returned home and did not return to Lively Church.   I stayed away because Darren and I had agreed that it was best if I went to a church similar to his church upon my return to college.  We both agreed that if we were serious about our relationship it would be best to have similar convictions.   After my return home from Aspen, I went back to life as usual and had all but forgotten about my Word of Faith leanings.  The new church I was attending taught me about the importance of the Bible.   It was also at this time that I made a fresh determination to believe that God’s word was inerrant.  It became a new pinnacle of belief for me.  My faith could be based on God’s word rather than on my experience.  This was good.

             

I moved to Darren’s home town of Billings, Montana on December 28, 1987.  It was here that I finished my Bachelors degree.  I married Darren September 3, of 1988.    Life was good.  We had a strong relationship.  We both loved the Lord and were determined to serve Him to the best of our ability.  

             

On October 6, 1989 I ended up in emergency surgery with a ruptured tubal pregnancy.  It was a little bit of a jar to my faith, but I recovered quickly both spiritually and physically.  On October 6, 1990, I gave birth to my first born, Joshua.  When Joshua was only three weeks old he was diagnosed with Bronchiollitis and anti-biotics were prescribed.  A few weeks later he was diagnosed with an ear infection.  He was prescribed anti-biotics.  Again, a few weeks later the ear infection was back.  I gave him the prescribed antibiotics again.  This cycle went on for two years.  At this point the doctor felt it necessary to put tubes in his ears.  So we did.   As soon as the tubes fell out and his ear canal healed the ear infections returned thus the use of anti-biotics. By the time Joshua was three years old, he was no longer able to tolerate the anti-biotics.   The poor boy was experiencing such wretched stomach pain that I slept with him in order to comfort him through the night.  This went on for five weeks until my mom suggested that I give him yogurt.  I had no understanding of the necessity of good bacteria in the intestines but thanks to my mom I started him on yogurt and finally, the pain disappeared.    At this point however, I was at a complete loss as to what to do about his ear infections. I was beside myself.   Antibiotics weren’t fixing the problem and they were creating problems of their own.  On top of these health issues Darren and I desperately wanted another child but it just wasn’t happening.  I was in turmoil again.

             

The church where Darren and I served was considered Charismatic, but the Word of Faith Doctrines were not taught over the pulpit.   There was, on the other hand, a lady in the church named “Mary”, who befriended me and reawakened the Faith movement teachings within me.  She was sympathetic towards me concerning Joshua's health concerns.  Because of Mary’s zeal, confidence and sincerity, I entertained her instruction.  I started in some small areas, still unsure about her urgings.  I did work to stir up my faith.  This seemed harmless enough.    I also started working by trying not to confess anything negative concerning my son or my family. What harm could there be in this?   I am certain that every conversation we had about healing, curses, positive confession and the like were done completely on her part out of love and concern for me.  She could see that I was confused and questioning some things.  She ministered to me in the only way she knew how.  However, sincerity and love are not replacements for truth.  I was, again, considering the dogmas that I had thought were long departed.  I was filled with confusion, fear, and guilt.  Somehow, because of past influences there was something deep inside of me telling me that I was at fault for my son’s illness.  Her persuasions did drive me further into studying the Word of God.  I had to find better answers.   

             

Because of this new relationship, Joshua’s issues and my own health issues, I started obsessing about health and healing in the Bible.  I wanted to believe that Mary was right.  I spent hours studying the Bible trying to find the answers I wanted to see.  I studied the Bible but I was getting more confused.  I didn’t understand how the Bible could be so seemingly ambiguous on such a prominent issue.  By the time Joshua was four years old (1994) I felt forced  to admit that God’s will for us as Christians was to be healthy though I had yet to find firm scriptural basis for this. I wasn’t completely sold on this belief but neither could I find any solid evidence to the contrary.   The conclusion I had temporarily drawn was this:  If we weren’t healthy it was our own fault somehow because we simply did not have enough faith.  I wasn’t particularly vocal about this belief, but on occasion it would slip out.  I recall one example of just such a slip.

             

One evening, at a home fellowship meeting, a couple asked for prayer because the husband had recently been diagnosed with cancer.  They were very distraught and frightened.   After we had prayed for them, the man’s wife and I got into a discussion about healing.  We both agreed that it was the right thing to do to pray for healing.  I couldn’t leave it at that.  I continued on by saying that if we don’t receive the healing it’s our own problem.  Needless to say she was stupefied and hurt.  Not catching the hint I blundered on.  I stated that it couldn’t possibly be either God’s will or His fault.  If it wasn’t God’s fault then it must be our fault and our problem.  Justifiably, she and her husband left in a hurry.  I hadn't meant to hurt their feelings, but that was the outcome.   My only motive was to help in some way.  Perhaps I had been searching for someone to confront and correct me.

              

From time to time, Darren and I would talk about my confusion concerning health and healing however, I was careful to mask the depth of my fixation to him.  Since it appeared to him that my concerns were minor, he concluded that it was better to let the Holy Spirit work it out in me.  This way, the conclusions I would draw would be permanent and not derived from wishy-washy human intellect.  He listened and gently commented but not enough to change my course.  I wish that I would have been honest with him and asked for help.  My struggles may have ended much sooner.           

 

Divine Appointments: chapter 4

I was the only one from my college Inter Varsity chapter to sign up for the Aspen Evangelism project.   My dad drove me up the mountain to Aspen that summer of 1987. The trip was uneventful and most pleasant.  I was one of the first to arrive at the Aspen project. I had free run of the place. I took the opportunity to walk around the small chalet which was to be my summer haven. A number of college students from all over the country were expected in the next few days. The leadership team had already started setting things up. Among those things was the book table. I took a moment to scan the titles. Upon first glance nothing really caught my attention until I perused them again and saw a book called, “The Health and Wealth Gospel”. The title was catchy. It sounded like a book that fit well with everything I had been learning.  However, just a cursory glance at the cover made me a little uncomfortable.  The book seemed to be little more than a neutral discussion concerning the teachings that had charmed me.  I guessed it to be a risky read.  I can't say why I thought that.  I left it there for the time being and thought it over. Thinking it over was an understatement. I couldn't get it off my mind so I decided to just read it and get it over with.   I liked what I read at first but as I progressed deeper into this piece of non-fiction I became both increasingly intrigued and anxious at the same time.   The first naggings started up in the back of my mind. 

The author started off talking about the "Faith Movement".  I hadn't heard of that movement but the concepts he described rang familiar.  It certainly wasn‘t what I would call relaxed reading.   Some of the testimonials of people who held to this system of beliefs were shocking. So shocking I wasn’t sure I could believe them. The book startled me. I had to ask myself, “Were these 'Faith Movement' ideologies really one and the same with those that I thought were so cool?”  How could the beliefs which produced joy and excitement in me be the same ones that caused heart ache and even death in others? I put the book aside for several days but I was unsuccessful at forgetting about it.  The stories played over and over in my head.  The more I thought about it the more defensive and angry I became.  I was trying desperately to justify my beliefs in light of this book but in reality deep down I knew that these stories represented my beliefs.  And if that were the case I was in trouble.   Knowing this, however, and acting on it were two different things. The conflict threw me into a tail spin.   

To say the least, I was confused. I have very few memories outside my own dilemma for a portion of that summer due to the fact that I was so preoccupied.  I literally lived with a pendulum of thoughts and emotions. One moment, I was stubbornly convinced that the last six months of experience and learning were well founded and the next moment I questioned my salvation.  Much of my walk with the Lord up to this point was based on experience therefore if one part of my experience was coming into question perhaps all of it should be questioned.   My tenuous faith was teetering and I believed that it was the fault of that book. To this day, I remember one story that haunted me constantly.  It was a story about parents who refused to take their daughter to the doctor because they believed if they had enough faith God would surely heal her.  They prayed for her at home instead. According to them, it was a lack of faith by taking her to the doctor and therefore God would not heal her.  Their only seeming choice was to stick it out by believing God.  The little girl died.  I wondered how these people could be so backward as to let their own daughter die, on the other hand, this was the only kind of faith that made sense to me.  It was the only way I had been  taught to believe.  I could not conceive of any other way.  If the way I had been taught was wrong, my whole infrastructure and foundation was at risk too, leaving me spiritually sinking.   Now I knew why reading this book was risky. 

For some strange reason, however, I felt compelled to finish it.   But before I could do this I needed to know more about the book and the author. There was a fellow named Darren Zent attending the Aspen Evangelism project who was very well read in a lot of Christian non-fiction.  I asked him about the book.  He had read the book and said that it was very good.  I remember thinking that it was possible that Darren didn’t know what he was talking about.  Somehow, however, I wasn’t able to convince myself of this.   Eventually, I admitted to myself that there were no excuses left. I had to finish the book.  

 Meanwhile, Darren inquired about my curiosity. I have never been a private person. I have always been open about my life to anyone interested.  Therefore, when he asked, I spilled everything I had been going through since I had started reading it. I couldn’t have chosen a better person to open up to. Not only had he read it but he was also very familiar with the movement the author addressed. We conversed at length about this movement. He was not shy about his complete disagreement with anything and everything tied to this particular faction of Christianity.  I argued with him, still not willing to abandon all of my allegiance.  I could, on the other hand, concede that the extremes of the movement were harmful and I wasn’t going to be extreme. After many nights of debate with Darren, I solidly determined that my belief system was ok as long as it stayed balanced.  This newly fostered frame of mind calmed my wavering faith for the time being.  I was okay or so I thought.

In our very first conversation, Darren delivered a scripturally firm foundation which girded up my faith forever concerning my salvation and my experience in the Baptism in the Holy Spirit.  It was this conversation, too, which firmly delivered my heart into his hands.  From that moment on he was to me "the friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Prov. 18:24). Darren and I became very good friends and spent hours talking and praying together that summer. What I did not know was that before Darren and I really ever spoke together seriously he was being teased ruthlessly by his room mates because of his crush on me. They played relentless jokes on him and many of these tactics were done right in front of me.   Either I was too consumed by the conflict within me to notice or the Lord protected me until such a time that He opened the door of relationship.  Probably both are true.  Either way, I am thankful.  He and I went on to minister the Baptism of the Holy Spirit to nine other people that summer.  It was remarkable and unforgettable.  We got engaged in October of 1987.