Darren named our precious girl Lydia. During my pregnancy I was emotionally unable to talk about names and so Darren, with my agreement, took the responsibility of finding a name for her. He named her for the lady in Philippians who supported Paul in his ministry. She was the seller of purple fabric in the book of Acts. More importantly her name means “travail”. I picked her middle name: Joy. No spiritual reason at the time. My best friend's name in college was Joy. I just liked it. Lydia Joy….A dear friend, Emily, pointed out a very uncannily meaningful scripture to me …John 16:21
A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world. KJV
Her name impeccably described the experience I had gone through to see her come into the world. I wonder what it will mean for her in life. Will she be a prayer warrior someday by travailing for hundreds in prayer in order for them to come to Christ? Perhaps. It is enough, however, to know that God cared so much for me and obviously for her and that he demonstrated it by choosing this unparalleled name for her.
Her name encapsulates how God had changed my life in so many ways. But it also is a constant reminder to me of the long road ahead of relearning my faith. Her birth was the beginning of her life and it was the beginning, for me, of new faith. She and I started on a journey together…that of the natural life for her and that of learning what maturity looked life for me.
Sometime during Lydia’s first year I started reading the Bible; sporadically at first, then more regularly. To say that I never looked back to those sinful beliefs would be inaccurate. I was tempted. I still fought with fear. I used my moments of fear as a thermometer on how I was doing in my trust towards God. At one time, my level of fear made me feel guilty and condemned. Thankfully, I was free from this. I knew and still know that that fear simply is evidence that God isn’t finished with me yet. I continued on in a surrendered way just as I had done when I was pregnant with her. Regardless of my daughter’s and my future together, I learned to love and trust God not knowing what our future looked like together.
As I began to get into a routine devotional time, the Word of God began to take on new life to me. It literally seemed to leap off the pages and into my soul. I devoured book by book and verse by verse. I studied it and allowed it to breathe its life into me. I read the Word without prejudice and I was able to see, with clarity, what faith was supposed to look like. The Word of God came alive to me and I was able to see the scriptures that were once twisted, unwind and take on fresh liberating meaning to me.
I started a ladies Bible Study at our church while I was pregnant. My motivations were completely obligatory of the “pastor’s wife's duty”. Nobody had asked me to start one. But I sensed the hunger and desire for this among the ladies. When I did start it, I told the women, up front, not to expect too much spiritual direction from me. I told them that we would learn together. I had been honest with them as to the struggles in faith I was having though I did not divulge many details. They seemed to understand and were compassionate towards me. I don’t remember how we started or what we studied even. I do remember laughing a lot. I also remember how the ladies looked to me for spiritual direction and though I don’t know how or why they seemed to be satisfied with what I offered. I only know, now, that it wasn’t me at all. He was faithful to be strong when I was at my weakest.
As a group we grew into a vibrant close knit group of ladies who loved the Word. Though I was hesitant to start a study with my teetering faith it proved to be a wonderful experience. The ladies in this group understood my weakness and bore me up both in prayer and in action. We cried, prayed and studied together. It was during this time of sharing in the Word of God with the other ladies that my confidence in teaching the Word grew. It was as if the Lord knew where I had to be and took me there in lightening speed. As the months flew by, I stepped out with more and more challenging material.
I began to sense a deep desire to see women overcome obstacles in their faith as I had. Because of this desire I eventually began writing as a guest for the local newspaper’s religion section. I took this little ministry very seriously. My articles ran every three to four weeks. I planned out my series of articles very carefully. I strategically planned them to attack the very lies that I had been bound in and other lies which I knew women to be particularly susceptible. I found this writing ministry to be very fulfilling. I never heard if they had any impact on anyone but it really didn’t matter; the Word of God was going out and affecting lives; regardless if it was recognized or not.
Since this time, Jesus has commissioned me to help others who may struggle in similar areas. I have been given unique opportunities to counsel with many women who have been lured and hooked by false faith. I have had the privilege of seeing some of these women set free before my eyes. Others, like me, went on their way unconvinced but I know that God loves them and cares about them and He will see them through until they, too, have been set free.
I have a precious faith, though far from perfect. I can recognize, with a fairly keen eye, floundering beliefs. Most of the time, it is in my own life that I see it. Once in awhile, I dig my heels in and refuse to repent of my awry thinking. Though, after doing this a few times I am beginning to understand that it is much easier and painless to simply humble myself and repent. I am hopefully learning this lesson anyway.
If I were to encapsulate my faith nowadays with one word, I would say, “vibrant”. Different from a few years ago, where the word would have been, “stale”. I have been through many more trials since my trial of faith, I have written about here. I have come to realize that there is always pain associated with growth. God is merciful in that he offers reprieve from this pain from time to time. There are summers and winters. I don’t think that this is much different with people who don’t know the Lord. The biggest difference here is that the lessons I learn from my pain are eternal. Theirs are not. This is grievous. There is also another difference: The people who rarely learn lessons from the pain or the ones who run full speed away from the pain. More often than not, it is because these people are not saved or bound in false doctrine. This is also grievous. But I also know that there is a God who loves these people. Who does not condemn them. A God who cares so much that He will do whatever it takes to see them live with a vibrant faith as well. I love the opportunities that the Lord offers me to speak with women in these circumstances. It is one of the most incredible experiences to see the “lights” turn on in their heads.
